For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jerimiah 29:11
“Hi, I’m Bob,” I said to my future wife’s adult, married daughter. She had her back to me with her arms crossed, looking at the flames in the fireplace. She turned around partially and said, “Yes, I know,” and looked back at the fire. Well, I thought, that is a start as the warm room took on a chill.
Barbara and I had been high school sweethearts, and now, twenty-five years later, we were to be married. And I was being blended into a family of three boys at home and a married daughter who was skeptical of a husband in her mom’s life. I knew about the abuse, the struggle to emotionally and financially survive.
I was willing to do what was needed to mold a family together with tenderness, kindness, love, and financial security. Barb had done an excellent job of keeping all the things required to hold a family together. She didn’t need a “sugar daddy,” and I was not that!
Time is What is Needed
Barb’s daughter was the maid-of-honor at our wedding, but I could sense a distrust; I would need to “prove” myself. That was made clear in a letter I had received from her before our marriage that stated that if I hurt her mom, she would reign down her husband, her brothers, and uncles on me. I was tossed into the emotional blender of a family that had been hurt on many levels.
Because of the abuse from the children’s father, the sons were also wary of a “father figure” in the house. Each day was a trial for all of us, adjusting to a new routine. An adult was now taking time away from the children’s central figure who had been the protector, provider, the mom, the dad, the disciplinarian, and the spiritual leader of the family.
Where do you begin to help blend, heal, mold, and structure a new family? My consistent prayer to God as I studied His Word was to find guidance, direction, and wisdom words to use in a delicate but firm way to bring hope into a family atmosphere.
Decades, Where Did They Go So Fast?
Healing a family blended takes time, and that healing does not happen in a year or two. Healing occurs when all are willing to work toward a solution, the goal of being a family. Soon after we were married, Barb’s oldest son joined the Army, leaving a special needs son and the youngest in high school. Each person required individual attention, but not in an overbearing way. Barb’s married daughter was watching from the wings and checking on her brother’s welfare; because of the trauma in her life, we had very few conversations. I could tell I was being evaluated, scrutinized, and not trusted. “I will never call him ‘dad’ because he is not my dad,” was a statement I heard before we were married.
When There is Trust, Love Endures
Eventually, this blended family came together, trusting each other. Barb’s daughter now sees the time, attention, and love I invested. I am occasionally called “dad” and “these are my parents” when Barb and I are introduced by her.
These results are the accumulation of each of us listening to God, and fervent prayer. The other bonus, my daughter, is the youngest member of the family. She always wanted to be the youngest daughter with brothers and an older sister. Now, because of God’s grace, all things are beautifully blended.
